LOCAL NEWS / OPINION / SATIRE
By Charles Weekly • Published 10/03/2026 • Updated 10/03/2026
As discussions surrounding a potential data center development near Mahomet continue, local residents have raised questions about electricity consumption, water usage, infrastructure, taxes and noise.
But according to a completely fictional team of experts assembled approximately five minutes ago, residents may have overlooked one important fact:
The noise is good, actually.
Concerns have been raised about the amount of noise large-scale cooling equipment and other data center infrastructure could generate.
While some people might describe the continuous hum of industrial cooling equipment as “annoying,” “disruptive,” or “why is my bedroom vibrating,” leading researchers at the newly created Midwest Institute for Convenient Scientific Conclusions say those people simply don’t understand the ecological benefits of a good, strong:
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.
“Nature loves noise,” said Dr. Harold Fansworth, the institute’s Senior Vice President of Acoustic Agriculture.
“Have you ever heard cicadas? They’re extremely loud, and Illinois still has trees. Therefore, industrial cooling fans are basically cicadas.”
Fansworth then declined further questions after being informed that this was not how scientific research works.
For generations, rural Mahomet has been filled with familiar sounds: wind moving through cornfields, birds chirping, tractors working in the distance and the occasional train.
Supporters of our entirely fictional scientific theory say the data center could add an exciting new layer:
WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Twenty-four hours a day.
Seven days a week.
“It’s basically a white-noise machine for the entire township,” explained one imaginary economic-development consultant.
“People pay $49.99 for those little machines at Target. This would be hundreds of acres of premium industrial white noise provided to the community at no monthly subscription cost.”
Residents who currently sleep with box fans could potentially save upwards of $0 annually, depending on whether they continue using their box fans anyway.
Environmental concerns surrounding large data centers often include questions about power demand, water consumption, land use and effects on surrounding wildlife.
However, fictional environmental scientists interviewed by Mahomet Weekly believe constant mechanical noise could actually motivate local wildlife.
“Birds have been getting away with chirping for free for centuries,” said Dr. Cheryl Megawatt, Director of Sustainable Server Ecology.
“With a data center nearby, they’re finally going to have some competition.”
Researchers predict local cardinals may increase their vocal output by as much as 300 percent in an effort to be heard over cooling equipment.
Meanwhile, deer may become more aerodynamic.
Scientists are unsure why.
Perhaps the most exciting discovery involves agriculture.
According to absolutely no peer-reviewed study whatsoever, researchers believe low-frequency data center vibrations could encourage corn plants to “lock in.”
“We put one ear of corn next to a server rack and another ear of corn in a quiet room,” Fansworth explained.
“The server-room corn did not respond negatively.”
Asked whether either ear of corn responded at all, Fansworth stared silently at reporters.
The institute has nevertheless requested $4.7 million to continue the study.
Possible future research topics include:
Whether GPU exhaust makes tomatoes ripen faster.
Whether server fans can naturally pollinate soybeans.
Whether fiber-optic cable improves soil broadband.
Whether artificial intelligence can convince Japanese beetles to leave.
Whether several hundred megawatts of electrical demand can finally eliminate Illinois humidity.
Some residents have questioned how a large industrial development might affect nearby properties.
Local real-estate experts who do not exist say listings could simply emphasize the benefits.
Instead of:
“Home located near hyperscale data center.”
Agents could write:
“Charming three-bedroom home featuring 24/7 immersive technology ambiance.”
Other potential listing phrases include:
“Whole-home white noise included.”
“Convenient access to several billion dollars worth of computers you are absolutely not allowed to enter.”
And:
“Backyard offers stunning evening views of infrastructure lighting.”
For properties immediately adjacent to the facility, agents may also consider:
“Rare opportunity to experience cloud computing with all five senses.”
Another source of concern surrounding large data center developments is the use of banks of emergency backup generators.
Some residents may hear the words “large collection of industrial generators” and become concerned.
Experts instead recommend thinking of them as community-scale alarm clocks.
Imagine sleeping peacefully on a Saturday morning when suddenly:
BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
Congratulations.
It is now 7:04 a.m., and you have the entire day ahead of you.
“You can’t put a price on productivity,” Megawatt said.
“You technically can put a price on diesel fuel, but that hurts the messaging.”
The project could also create educational opportunities for Mahomet-area students.
Instead of asking traditional questions such as:
“Why is the sky blue?”
Children could ask:
“Dad, why does the horizon sound like an HVAC unit?”
Parents could then begin valuable conversations about electricity transmission, computer infrastructure, cooling systems, local zoning and why Dad suddenly knows what a megawatt is after spending three weeks arguing with strangers on Facebook.
Teachers could also incorporate the facility into math lessons.
Example problem:
If one server building contains 40,000 computers and each computer generates enough heat to make the cooling system sound like an Airbus preparing for departure, how many Facebook comments will be posted before Tuesday’s Village Board meeting?
Answer:
All of them.
The Mahomet Aquifer is frequently part of conversations involving major industrial developments in the region, particularly when questions arise about water use and long-term environmental protection.
This has unfairly placed tremendous pressure on the aquifer.
“For years, everyone has been asking about the aquifer,” said one fictional hydrologist.
“How much water is in the aquifer? Who is using the aquifer? Is the aquifer protected?”
“Maybe the aquifer would like everyone to stop talking about it for five minutes.”
The aquifer could not be reached for comment because it is underground.
Perhaps the greatest potential community benefit is certainty.
Currently, when Mahomet residents hear a mysterious humming sound late at night, there are dozens of possibilities.
A transformer?
A distant truck?
A grain dryer?
An HVAC system?
Tinnitus?
With a hyperscale data center nearby, residents could simply roll over in bed and say:
“Oh. Right.”
Large data centers consume enormous amounts of electricity, which critics sometimes frame as a negative.
But economists at the Midwest Institute for Convenient Scientific Conclusions argue this overlooks the human side of the issue.
“What about the electrons?” asked fictional energy economist Doug Kilowatt.
“Every day, millions of electrons are sitting around transmission lines with nowhere meaningful to go.”
A major data center could provide those electrons with stable, long-term employment transporting TikTok videos, AI-generated pictures and spreadsheets nobody will ever open again.
“We’re talking about good, dependable work,” Kilowatt said.
“Some of these electrons could remain employed for several billionths of a second.”
Servers generate heat.
Lots of it.
Critics might consider that an engineering challenge requiring massive cooling systems.
Researchers at the institute call it “locally sourced warmth.”
“If enough heat escapes, theoretically Mahomet could experience spring approximately six minutes earlier,” Megawatt explained.
Researchers are currently investigating whether residents near the facility could eliminate furnace use entirely by simply opening a south-facing window toward the server campus.
Ameren was reportedly not consulted about this theory.
Some communities have water towers.
Some have grain elevators.
Mahomet could someday have enormous rectangular buildings surrounded by substations, transmission equipment and cooling infrastructure.
Architectural experts describe the style as:
“Midwestern Cyberpunk.”
Visitors traveling through Champaign County would immediately know they had arrived somewhere important.
Or near a very large Costco.
Many important questions surrounding any potential development remain unresolved, including infrastructure requirements, noise, utilities, environmental protections, financial arrangements and the exact scope of any future project.
Fortunately, none of those complicated subjects undermine the Midwest Institute for Convenient Scientific Conclusions’ central finding:
The humming may actually be good.
“People keep focusing on complicated questions involving infrastructure, taxation, environmental impact, electrical capacity, land use and transparency,” Fansworth said.
“But nobody is asking the most important question.”
He leaned toward the microphone.
“What if the giant humming noise is actually vibes?”
At press time, researchers were attempting to determine whether placing RGB lighting on the cooling towers would legally transform the entire facility into a gaming PC.
Mahomet Weekly reminds readers that this article is satire. Dr. Harold Fansworth, Dr. Cheryl Megawatt, Doug Kilowatt and the Midwest Institute for Convenient Scientific Conclusions are fictional. Any resemblance to actual experts capable of producing studies this questionable is purely coincidental.